Due to unforseen circumstances, I was forced to recall things that happened 4 years back. Rather, it was a trigger of thoughts. For those who knew, my thoughts were transported back to the time when I broke up with my first boyfriend. I seem to understand now why I’m never really involved in any relationship these 4 years. The terrible feelings then made me detest the idea of getting into any relationship. Break-up was way too painful. I recall crying almost every night after the break-up for a few weeks. It was terrible. Devastating on the body and mind. Ironically, I was the one who initiated the split. Many probably didn’t realize how bad the split hit me, but most people didn’t know of the split in the first place. I don’t really recall telling any of my close pals about it. It was only months later after the break, when it was around my birthday and gatherings were frequent, that friends asked me to bring him along to the gatherings that I gave them the line ‘we broke up’. Or maybe they knew how badly it went for me that few asked about why it happened. Anyway, because of the trauma I underwent, I refused to get romantically linked with anyone for the following year. There were those who came and ask and got rejected in the face. Hmmm, it sounds like a lot of people. Actually only three la. I needed the time to get over it and do what people call ‘fixing a broken heart’. Thereafter, in that year, I plunged into lots of ECAs and got myself really busy that I didn’t have the time to think about it. Escaping from reality some may call it, but that was the only way I could think of to make me forget. And it actually took me a year to get over everything. Very long hor. By then it was moving into final year and I had to focus on my poor grades. So it was still busy with school work and some minor ECAs. Okay, maybe it’s hard for you to believe that I totally focused on my work, being the do-anything-and-everything-except-tutorials person. And that me was such a demure gal working hard? I bet you can’t believe that either. There were 2 flings during the 2 years (I’m sorry I had to shed my guai-guai gal image) and that’s all and I graduated. Now with 2 years being single, I enjoyed my freedom greatly. There was not someone there that I had to consider for or to ensure I set free time aside for him or giving in to. And I wasn’t a single bit interested in getting attached then. Not that I’m lesbian k. I still went out with guys now and then, and some were quite close to getting me being their gal (if I wasn’t that strongly insistent that freedom was more important, that is). Until (yes, like all stories, this word means a change of plot) this guy professed his liking and somehow then things start getting ‘complicated’ (as coined by Kayla).
Hmmm, so what’s my point here? That timing is a very important thing. And ‘complicated’ is no less from a ‘relationship’. In law terms, it would mean nothing on surface, but a relationship in essence. No matter how hard the parties deny, no matter how hard they hope it will not be, it is. There’s no escape from reality. It’s where the Chinese idiom of ‘cover your ears while stealing the bell’ may be appropriate. And there’s no staying in the grey area. You have to move out of it into the black or white area sometime after. There’s no such thing as best of both worlds. There’s no use lying to oneself (and the many others). It doesn’t bring happiness (maybe some momentary ones), and in fact, may bring about a lot of undue stress. It wrecks the mind, and wrenches the heart. It’s basically a ‘accept or reject’ thing. It’s not like you go shopping, and sees two tops that you really like, AND you can buy both. It’s similar to buying a washing machine and you buy ONLY one even though you many fall in love for many machines. You make a net of the pros and cons, then make your decision. Sometimes you lose one function, sometimes you get another function. It boils down to which functions are really most important to you. And once you made the purchase, there’s no turning back (other than the 7 day exchangeable period). You may end up being satisfied, or regretful, but it’s a decision not to be reversed. You may have a hard time deciding and the purchasing keeps getting postponed until finally you have worn your whole wardrobe and is stuck with a huge heap of dirty clothes.
Think I’ve digressed more and more. Don’t know what’s my point now. But sure am feeling better now. Why did I start writing all this? Cuz am feeling being truthful.
Till I have something more interesting to blog.
(Kayla: really thanks for this afternoon’s lesson. Helped a lot)