Thinking too much

I realised that there are times in life when the following happens: you had some issues/problems, you resolve it but not totally, the issues come back occasionally and you don't sleep well. Maybe that's why I haven't been sleeping well. I never used to think I would have sleeping problem like that. But the issues that I did not resolve well previously often come back to nag at me, particularly at times when I'm most prone to emotional breakdowns. Yup. Despite all they are saying about having high EQ, there are times when I'm vulnerable to emotional rides. I'm a human after all! I don't believe what I did tonight and I'm quite frustrated with myself now. After a farewell dinner for a colleague who's turning into ex-colleague, I got home around 1130pm. I guessed I've been thinking a bit these days and guess what, I sat down and started talking to myself. Nope. I'm perfectly sane, so don't pick the phone to call IMH. I just find it easier to see what I'm thinking by saying in out. That took 1 hour! I continued the talk during my shower and then I thought of this particular letter I received years back. Now you see, I keep all my letters that I ever received, notes inclusive. So I brought out the box which I kept all my letters and started searching for that one letter (thereafter known as The Letter). Somehow, back then, I must have categorised my letters in some manner (which I've forgotten) because they were sorted out in envelopes. But I simply could not find The Letter in the categories I thought it will be in. It was 1am and I was sleepy. But for no reason, I just wanted to read the letter again. To ease my emotional pain? To feel better? Or just trying to relive the past? I resorted to looking through each envelope. I found something which came from the same person, but not The Letter. I then started to re-categorise the letters, this time by names and sorted according to date. Halfway through the box (which probably means suffling through hundred letters at least), I thought I should go to bed. 3am now, I'm blogging. Not because I can't get to sleep or am not tired, but just cuz I needed to blog. Where is The Letter? There is no way that I could have thrown it. Misplaced it most likely. But I start to thnk about why I feel so desperate to find it. It wasn't anything important. I only wanted to read the most, one paragraph. I remembered the gist, but not the actual words. I just feel like looking at it again. For no reason. It's not going to say, help me out in my job search or anything. It was something of the past. And I know perfectly well people should not live in the past. But still, I wanted to read the paragraph. I told you. Problems you don't resolve well will come back to haunt, and mine just did. Ok. Maybe not just. It's been on the haunt every now and then for the past 6 years. I did think of re-resolving the issue, but just could not come up with the solution. It's too difficult and too painful for the parties involved. And who knows? They may not want any form of resolution.

Why am I living in the past? How do I look to the future without turning back? Is it true that I am being too hard on myself?

Anyway, while sorting the letters (which I haven't complete), I thought of doing a count on the major senders. Worked too much maybe, that even for my personal life, I'm doing some form of coverage work. Maybe when I really do the count, I'll give a prize to the sender with highest number in appreciation for his or her mental support all these years. That's if I managed to finish reading the letters then start on the counting. I've already started on the reading. And I do not know whether to laugh at how fragile friendships can be, or cry at how fast friends change over time.

I really am thinking too much. Maybe I should start going Stomp forums so that I can get comments back on my blog and things will be more interesting and maybe then, I won't think too much.