Quarterlife crisis?

Well well, somehow I'm stuck in front of my notebook for 4 hours. Wrong 5. From 8pm till now - 1am. I've been checking my mail, friendster, reading up on friends' blogs, doing up my own blog, uploading photos, watching anime and now, watching Hairspray. So while loading Hairspray still, some blogging.

The HK trip gave some form of relaxation and so when I was back at work on Mon, I felt slightly better. Nevertheless, I still did not manage to do much at work. Keke

On Wed, I watched Bourne Ultimatium with Joy. I loved the show! I guess I love all those spy shows. I can't really remember what happened in the first 2 shows because I've simply watched too much of such shows. Another show that I want to watch is 881 which has received great reviews from pals. To hit the $2m mark for a local show is not easy and on recommendations from so many, I should try to watch it. Too bad my usual kakis for such shows have all watched it already.

Met SL for a sumptous dinner at Ling Zhi. I never really like the restaurant as I think the food is too lousy for the price you pay. Had mushroom claypot buffet once and it wasn't really good. Had ala carte at Liat Towers branch before but the service was too poor and food just normal. Funnily, this time round when we order the set meal, it was actually quite good. The bill came to around $30 per pax which is all right considering it's supposedly a posh restaurant.

It really was meeting up with people this week. On Fri, met with XH and HJ. They got me this lovely sweater. It was merely dinner and chat till 11pm. Reminds me of those late nights in hostel. Am so glad I'm still in touch with them.

Because of the 3 nights, I'm exhausted for the weekend. Moreover, I have not been having good sleep for the whole week. I keep falling asleep right after dinnner and I just lie on the floor. I would wake up at midnight, and take my shower, and back to bed. BUT when I'm back into bed, I just could not sleep. Insomia?

I had lots of comments on the HK trip but because it takes so long to upload, I get tired of waiting and just did not remember what I had wanted to write. Am I growing old or not.

I feel I'm living in the past. Many times, scenes of the past flashed across my mind and I find myself stuck in those visions. Trying to relive the happy times? Nope. Most of the time, those scenes make me remember things I do not wish to remember and that I regret. But yet, I live in them and just cannot erase them. If at 25 I'm already spending so much time in the past, does it mean I literally live in the past 10 years down the road? I fear that.

For the times that I don't live in the past, I wondered what if something was different. For instance, what if I accepted Guy B instead of Guy A? What if... what if... what if... Yes, I do know it's no point thinking about what if. But I guess I just want to know. Maybe it was out of guilt for rejecting those people. Maybe it was out of regret for accepting those I did. Maybe I was just a bit lonely last week. Maybe I thought too much. I contemplated writing an apology letter to one of the guys I rejected twice and even woke up in the middle of the night wanting to write it. But I stopped short when I got my pen. He's already moved on; why should I remind him of the past? Is it even fair that I did it just to relieve some of the guilt that I've always been carrying? So I guess there are just times when you have to live to regret your decisions.

Despite knowing the fact since I was 13, I still find it hard to get over the loss of close pals. People come and people go. The time to depart will always come. Yet I find it difficult each time despite going through so many times. Those closest friends sometimes just have to go. Maybe they found new friends. Maybe they are in a different country. Maybe they got married. Maybe we just no longer have anything to say. Maybe we fought and argued. Various reasons but the same result - departure. It's always so easy to say the word best friend at a certain point of time. But how many times can these people keep to that? I had a best friend in primary school, but when we got to secondary school, despite being in the same school, she got new friends and so she split from the so-called best friendship. Then there was another gal who silently left the country. Then there was another gal who was jealous with my musical performance and the fact that the conductor gave all solo pieces to me. Then there was the one who got jealous over my academic results. Then there was the guy who liked me but I got attached to his best friend instead. Then there was the one who was on such similar frequency and gave me a pendant that read best friends. But somehow over the years, we've gotten way too far apart. Then there was the one who had too many friends to rotate around for best-friend status. Then ... so many times. Not that it's their fault, but the fact is just so harsh sometimes.

(* to joy: You're the best friend!! And I still have the keychain that reads Best Friends...somewhere in my cupboard. Hee)

Maybe I'm thinking too much.